Present Anxiety

I’ve been anxious the past few days. Perhaps it is the Christmas present. Months ago I had an idea for a gift for Cody. I didn’t realize back then that we wouldn’t be seeing each other. I’m finding I walk a peculiar line. I don’t want to be taken advantage of, but at the same time, I don’t want to feel like someone else’s actions dictates mine. Those may not seem like opposites, but they tend to work that way internally. I’ll try to explain.

During the final months of our friendship, I increasingly catered to Cody’s needs, his schedule, his agenda. I would be the one to postpone commitments for Friday night, in hopes that we would do something together. We most likely did, except for the occasional times when Cody would ignore me so that he could go do something with other friends or go on a date. Usually he wouldn’t tell me about these things until after the fact. His excuse for not telling me was always the same.

“But I can’t remember what I haven’t told you. I tell you everything. I thought I had told you.”

Nope. Conveniently, or so it appears, you didn’t.

I just wanted to always be around him. We are so similar. I love his energy and intellect. He is always doing or saying something, and usually the two in tandem.

When we did hang out together, I’m the one who had to drive to his place because he’s reluctant to drive in the city, though he is mostly concerned that he will lose his parking spot. It didn’t matter if I lost mine. If he needed to go shopping, then of course I went with him. He wanted a second, affirming opinion, and I was happy to offer. But if I needed to go, then he was less than enthusiastic. He only wanted to go if he also needed to. I was the one he called when nobody else was calling him.

“Hi, Cody!” I would answer my cell excited to see his name appear on the screen.

“I’m bored,” was his hello. Sometimes we would just talk. He would ask me questions about what he should do with his home. He had just purchased his condo and wanted to draw out any expertise in me to help him fix it up. He did just fine without my help, but it was always the second, affirming opinion he wanted. Sometimes we would go do something, go to the gym, or just hang out...at his place.

So while it feels like he made minimal effort, and while I feel like I was just being taken advantage of (yes, I know, it was my own choosing), I feel like I shouldn’t change the way I am just because of his inaction. It’s Christmas time, and I put together a present to give him. We were best friends, why can’t I do something for him in the spirit of giving?

I was going to call him to see if I could drop it off. That was Monday, and here it is Wednesday. I couldn’t do it. I was too anxious. My best friend, Ann, decided to visit him. Her remarks about their conversation only confirmed my suspicions. He’s doing great, dating, and most likely not thinking much about me at all. It still hurts to realize how little he cares about me, when I still care so much about him. How do I stop caring?

I’ve decided I’m not ready to see him. I’ll send him the present through the mail, in the spirit of giving.